“Put on corpse paint & burn down some churches”

“The one who got away” We all have one, I think.
Can you have one if technically the person was never truly yours? I’m gonna go with yes.

This isn’t your typical love story, in fact it wasn’t even until after the story ended that we even met. When I say love story I say it very lightly. I was not in love, in fact it takes a lot to win this heart of steel over, the L word is not thrown around too often with me. I’ve never even been the first to say or initiate it. But, I was definitely very charmed and intrigued by this human being.

So it began when I got a DM (I know, I know) towards the end of 2015. Typical 2015 dating, right? Well at the time I didn’t respond to it because I was in a relationship. Now, I was familiar with who this guy was. He is the vocalist for a band I had listened to for years and we also have alot of mutual friends from when I was working in the music industry. If I’m being honest my complete thought was DOUCHE BAG. Because I was so over getting hit on in DM’s, especially by a popular musician. A hopeless romantic. Someone who could have his pick. It was simple ya know, just your typical being asked out on a date. I believe it went something like “If you’re in the area lets put on some corpse paint and burn down some churches. OR get coffee. whatever” hahah Kinda seemed like Prince Charming to meeee.
After no response from me he then followed that message up with an apology and if I was seeing someone to disregard his message.

At the time I was in a relationship and I felt like it was going nowhere. I was afforded an opportunity to spend some time with that person, who I wasn’t able to spend an ample amount of time with prior due to busy schedules. During that time I felt physically and mentally bent. I was spending most of my time tending to him during a serious injury/surgery. I felt under appreciated for everything I was doing and was made to feel very inadequate at what was already a very sensitive time in my life. I spent 3-4 weeks out of state during his surgery and then continued to help take care of him in his state where he lived, which was about 8 hours from where I was currently living. Even though he wanted me to stay there I could not do so without making MY OWN income, I was never ok with living off of someone else and it wasn’t going to start then. Id go back home where I lived to work a week and then go visit him for weeks at a time. Luckily my boss understood and was wonderful with letting me make my own schedule that allowed me to come & go. Eventually the whole relationship took its toll. Personality traits that I hadn’t seen before were starting to show. Lies were being told. I felt like I was just too unhappy to deal with the stress of the relationship, that it wasn’t worth it. And I felt like had he been happy himself, it probably wouldnt have gotten to where it did. So I, yes, I, called it quits. That doesn’t mean that I wasn’t sad or tore up about it because I was. We had been through alot and accepting failure after all the heartbreak it caused was very hard. But at the same time I knew we were not right for each other, we were just two completely diff humans with some of the same interests. He and I are cool.

ANYWAYS, with that being said; you needed a back story on where I was emotionally.
Fast forward post break up.
I was laying in bed alittle sad and lonely when I remembered that DM I had gotten months earlier. He had left his number so I decieded to text him just to fuck with him.
After I was done having my fun I told him who it was and from then on we chatted day in and day out. From goodmorning texts to goodnight ones.
I had never met (even though at the time we hadn’t met) anyone like him. He was mature and open with his feelings. Real & raw. Funny, charming and witty. So passionate. He had a way with his words. He’s older than me, probably why he was so up front with his feelings. He made me feel more than enough after just getting out of a relationship that made me feel like I was never good enough. It was proper timing that he came in my life when he did. He was such a gentleman at all times. Never once saying something out of line, or inappropriate. He was so fucking thoughtful. Sent me carepackages with little trinkets in them, post cards, just sweet sweet gestures. I remember the first time he called me. If you know me, you know I don’t like talking on the phone. I was so nervous to answer, so I had to gain the nerve and call him back. I remember it like it was yesterday. He was stuck in traffic. After that time it was much easier. Conversation was easy with him. One time we talked on the phone for hours while I sat on the kitchen counter so I wouldn’t wake up my roommate. A night we shared our passions and demons. He wanted to get to know the real me, he didn’t believe any internet bullshit. Our connection seemed to be on such an otherworldly level. I felt so connected to him. You could feel the electriity, the energy, vibrations through our conversations. Unbelieavle.

He wanted me to fly out so we could meet, see if the chemistry was real and in person. I was very reluctant on it because I felt I hadn’t been out of my past relationship long enough and he respected that and didn’t press the matter. Made it clear whenever I was ready to visit, he was ready for me.
I don’t think he really knows how enamored I was with him, even to this day. I downplay those types of situations to avoid being hurt. I wasn’t fully open with him. My guard was up. It felt too good to be true.

Alot of our time talked was spent with him in the studio. He was in the middle of writing a new record for a band he had recently joined. This was a huge milestone for him and a very exciting time as this band was huge. I was getting sneak peeks. A glimpse into this new album which was really cool. It made me feel good he was so open with letting me in on such an important part of his life. Every morning he would get coffee and head to the studio and I knew around what time to expect his text. Or a photo of the beautiful yard he would spend his studio breaks in. I knew his daily routine and he knew mine. If he were stressed or over worked I knew it because I was his outlet. He told me he had a good feeling about me and I felt the exact same thing about him.

He told me I was his muse. His writing inspiration for this important upcoming album.

Time went on with us getting as close as we could via Iphones.
He felt like a best friend & a future lover. A romance so pure.

We said goodnight as we always did.

The next morning I wake up and head to spend the day with some friends. I found it odd that I hadn’t heard from him all day but just figured it was because he had a long important day at the studio ahead of him. I mean, it never stopped him before, so I kinda knew something was up. That evening I texted him and didn’t hear back until late that night.

My heart sank with every fucking word I was reading.
How is this bullshit that wrecked my life biting me in the ass once again and my personal life at that? Nothing was on my mind other than heartache and doom. I felt fucking doomed.

I am a numb person. It takes quite a human to interest or intrigue me. Yet here I was feeling the end of something that never even had a chance to begin. I think that was the hardest part, not ever being able to try. Left alone to wonder.

So you know how I told you this person had recently joined a band? Well a very well known band who was in the process of making a very important come back album.
A band that has a very intense management. PR team. The wole nine yeards.

I bet you’re wondering where I am going with that, or what was in the text, what made my heart sank, or maybe you have an idea.

I had gotten a cowardly text. Not even a phone call. A text. A very long, endearing one, but still a text.
Apparently some important people were at the studio that day we will just call them higher ups. PR. He told me that he had not been shy gloating about his new romance in the studio and upon an interview with someone was mentioning me as his muse. When asked if I were his girlfriend he said “no but she will be”
Being in a high profile band, making a high profile album, it all peaked the curiosity of his management and PR team. And ended any hopes of what we might could be. Yep, his team did some social media digging and felt like continuing anything with me would be road they would not want him to go down. He was basically encouraged to end things with me for pr and media purposes. While an ultimatum wasn’t given to him he ultimately wanted to make his team happy. Now, from a sad girl perspective I was angry and heart broken but at the same time I understood completely. This opportunity he had was so beyond me. I would have never ever wanted to cause him issues and if anything with me could jeopardize that, I don’t blame him. He had worked his entire life writing records and playing music and now he really, really had this shot at the big leagues. Who am I to be upset or mad at that. I remember the text him telling me he felt like a sell out and a coward for letting other people dictate his feelings and life like that. In a way maybe he is, but I can’t say that I blame him one bit. I bowed out gracefully and wished him the best.

It was hard telling my friends, the few people who knew he and I had a thing. I was embarassed, mortified, sad. How do you explain all of that to someone? and multiple times?!

Now, thats not where this story ends; after that talk Id hear from him every now and then but time moved on and so did we.

I eventually started seeing someone who I was pretty crazy about. Crazy enough to take a plane to surprise them outside their gate just to ask them to be girlfriend, AND then turn around and fly right back home a couple hours later haha
LIKE DAMN WHEN WILL SOMEONE DO THAT FOR ME!?!?
SO, I go out to DC with her for one of her shows (she is a musician as well)
I CANT HELP THE OCCUPATION OF THE PEOPLE IM AROUND GUYS
ANYWAYS, guess who is also playing on the same show?! anyone? anyone? YUP. you guessed it…. So here I am at this show with this person I’ve spent the past week falling in love with and also THERE is the ghost who haunts my heart. WHO I NEVER EVEN HAD THE CHANCE TO MEET BC SHIT HIT THE FAN. OH MY LIFEEEEEE. AND WHAT AM I 16? lolz

I see his dressing room, across from where our room was, so I decide to text him and tell that Im there incase we see eachother in passing or something. I quickly briefed her on the situation so that she wasn’t in the dark about it. Up until then I had never even mentioned him to her. I do believe I made things sound less extreme when filling her in, but I guess at the time I didn’t feel the need to tell every detail. I didn’t want her to worry or think that there was something more bc at the time I was crazy about her. But, there was this part of me that really wondered how many times I walked under the ladder, spilled the salt or broke that goddamn mirror. There was a part of me that wondered why the universe was fucking with me. We met outside to say hello. I felt completely winded. I kept it short as I didn’t wanna be disrespectful to my relationship but this hello and goodbye was so bittersweet. Seeing him for the first time and after everything. He asked me if I wanted to drink some coffee and talk. I wanted to. Id be lying if I said I didn’t want to. But I declined.

Shortly after I received a text message from him. Telling me all the things I wanted to hear long before that day. It all made me smile, again all so bittersweet. He is a man with class. I truly believe there is not anyone like him and thats so not like me to say, trust that. If he reads this, he probably didn’t even realize I held him in such high regard. I’m not good at telling people those kind of things..I’m better at writing it I guess.

Now we are friends, we keep in touch, and I’ve been to a few of his shows. Nothing feels weird between us it just is what it is. Actually pretty recently he told me he just wanted me to know nothing was ever bullshit and I played a pretty heavy role in his life during that time.
I think we both have a high level of respect and care for each other. I’ve grown since and came to alot of self realizations and I’m just happy he and I can remain friends.

I don’t know if theres a moral to this story, if there is maybe I haven’t uncovered it yet. The universe works in mysterious ways.

Lifes weird

In motion

Being home is so nostalgic, man.
Took alittle drive through Hiddenite and passed a certain house. Now I specifically remember this house because when I was in 5th grade there was a 1st grader on my bus that lived there. Its old and caving in just the same. There’s a lot of junk outside just as there was 18 years ago. I somehow had picked up on her not having a whole lot and I remember it weighing on my mind. One day I went home & boxed up a package with some of my toys and books. We were freaking poor. Didn’t have a whole lot, but I still felt the need to help this little girl, when I was just alittle girl myself. My sister who was 16 at the time drove me over to the house after dark to leave the box of things at their door.
I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out what I am supposed to do with my life. After thinking I had it all figured out, opportunities that would have changed my life, my families lives, and setbacks.
Then I was reminded that THAT, what I had in my heart 18 years ago and still to this day is my real passion.
You don’t go through all of the shit I’ve been through in my life and not go out and apply it in the real world to make a difference.

Thank you Taylorsville, for the humble reminder.

Harold and Mary from San Fran

So today I was on the road, destination; North Carolina. Made my usual rest area stop. At a picnic table nearby there was an older couple with their dog so I walked over to pet it. No intention of losing an hour travel time chatting away with two complete strangers from a completely different lifetime as I, but the universe has a funny way of working out.
Turns out, Harold and Mary have been together their whole lives. Married 30 something years, from California, no children, and a really cute yet also very old pug.
They were on 17 weeks of traveling around the country in their RV, something they dreamt of doing since they were newlyweds. `
Harold came from a prominent wealthy family who believed that success was measured by education and money. Harold said he always knew it wasn’t the life for him but he was too afraid to go against the grain.
They always wanted children but sadly Mary wasn’t able to.
He said he worked very hard to provide a life for them and he is proud of his accomplishments however, they spent alot of their life conforming to every day life. He said they are just now fully living the life they have always dreamt of thanks to retirement.
Harold said if he could do it over again he and Mary would have spent their days traveling and making memories out there in the world. Not spending his life just going through the motions.

Now Harold, as much as the old timer liked telling me about him and Mary, he wanted to know about me. “My story” he said. Now thats when I hesitate. I told him some things..past, present, future. Alittle, which then turned into a lot, which I normally don’t do face to face with complete strangers. Had me questioning what the hell I was even doing.
But I reminded myself about this new thing I’m trying to interact more with humans, complete strangers to be exact. Harold and Mary didn’t judge me for a thing. They were so welcoming and caring. They had lived a life, a very good life, without financial worry, but a life full of regret.
Something I know about.

I took much advice away from that hour or so I had with Harold and Mary. But one was very crucial to me in that moment, in this moment in my lifetime. He said always go with instinct and passion. Go against the grain. Live life to the fullest. Take chances. Do not let past obstacles and mistakes define me. Get the hell over it. Move on. And most importantly not to wait on life to happen.

I asked them how theyve managed to stay together this long? the typical “whats the secret” question. Harold was funny. Intense, cutthroat and loving. Mary was quite but quick witted. Harold laughingly replied “Ya gotta give her a good pat on the ass” SO THERE YA GO FELLAS… WHATEVER THAT MEANS! THATS THE SECRET TO MARRIAGE A GOOD PAT ON THE ASS.

Youre in my skull

You make me feel every single emotion there is to feel; when I thought I was numb.
You kill me and then somehow bring me back to life, just to do it all over again.

I wanna crack you and put all the pieces back together.
I want you to question me and push me away, just to pull me back in.
I wanna know the real you. The you that you hide.
I want you to want to know me. The real me.
I wanna tear down your walls and earn your trust.
I wanna clear your doubt.
I wanna be your outlet.
Your go to.
I wanna know you feel.
I wanna know that my gut never lied.

I don’t wanna feel like its time to go.
I don’t wanna go.
I wanna wait.
You test my patience, but I’ll still wait.

I’ve been at my moms for over a week now and I’m surprised I’ve not pulled all of my hair out. Normally when I come here I have intentions of lasting over a week but never make it that far. It’s difficult to visit because I got myself out of this situation a long time ago, and when I’m here I feel like a child again. I have flashbacks. The energy is just really bad. However this trip has been surprisingly positive. I’m not sure how my mom lives like this. She lives a very sad depressing life. She has a hospital bed in a small room in my grandmas little trailer. She’s been in the process of building a tiny house, but it’s been post poned on being finished because someone took advantage of her situation, took her money, and didn’t do the job. She’s on a fixed income and for that the building process is being done in increments. I’ve done as much as I could. She sits between those four walls without much will for anything.

My mom was in the hospital which was my reason for coming up here. Most of you know by now she is disabled and doesn’t really have anyone. My sister was her caretaker after I moved away and since she’s been in prison mom’s just kind of been lost. Speaking of my sister, I got to visit her last week. Not only did I get to see her but I got to take my niece, her daughter, to see her for the first time. It had been 3 years since they got to see each other.
My niece is 13 and at that weird age. I know she was excited to see her mom but shes alot like her aunt in the sense that she hides her emotions. It was really great to see their interactions. I try to be the best aunt I can be, someone for Des (my niece) to look up to, confide in, trust. A motherly figure but also a friend. Since the day she was born that girl and I have been close and there is nothing I wouldn’t do for her. It breaks my heart knowing Ashley (my sister) is missing out on these crucial years in Destyni’s life. Those years a young lady needs her mother. She’s such a bright, beautiful little lady.

Well, Ash looked very well, better than shes looked in years. She was moved to a different institute since the last time I visited her. This one is much more lenient, and is settled in the mountains with beautiful views. She is much happier there and if she continues with good behavior in a year and a half or so she will move levels and be able to get day visits home and be able to have a normal job outside of the prison, which she is looking forward to. It’s crazy to think shes been locked up for this long. Drugs can really ruin lives, man. My sister always had a huge heart and was always a good person. Her downfall was always wanting to be accepted and loved, at whatever cost. I am a believer in second chances. Second chances are so important, we all make mistakes and we all deserve a chance to make them right. (within reason)

Im so excited for her and her life after prison. I hope I am in a position to help her in 3 years, when shes released. She still has so much life to live even after being insitutionalized after 7 years. It’s weird how her and I are the closest weve ever been now, after all of this.

She doesn’t get visitors often. In fact, she didn’t have one until after being in for a year and a half. With mom being disabled she can’t just pick up and go and I’m out of state, but I try to visit when I can.

We had to cram as much as we could into the 2 and a half hours we had.
Some of the girls formed a band and the warden finally approved them to put on a little concert. My sister sings and she was so excited to tell me about it. I learned how shes taught herself to play guitar since shes been in, on the allowed 2 hours a week. She inspired me to learn to play as well..TBC haha
She also shared some of her prison beauty tips and ways to stay sane.

I don’t know if any of you have any family members in jail or prison but if you do, you know there are alot of highs and lows. If you don’t, just appreciate the fact that youre able to touch and hug your loved ones.
Fuck, I can’t wait til she gets out and we can be a family again.
I really hope my mom is alive to see it.

I have so much faith in her to turn her life around.

Ps. BEAUTY TIPS FOR ALL MUH LADIES hahaha
Mascara- Ink pen & hair gel
Lip plumper- icy hot vaseline
Coffee for contour
She told me she was gonna grind mica to make highlighter hahaha

Through your eyes

Received this in a text the other day; brought a tear to my eye.
You ever wonder how one sees you?

I have never met anyone quite like her before. In fact, I have never seen anyone quite like her before. She is dark and fiery, cold and mysterious, warm and bright. She is one part elegance and one part cut throat. She will eat your heart out and then hand it back to you.
Physically, she is a blessing to the eyes. But she is so much more than that. Mentally, she is a twisted maze full of intellectual depth.
Spiritually, her energy is vibrant and free, although she is a slave to herself. At times she is passionate and focused, while other times she is insecure and unsure.
All she wants is everything and nothing at the same time. I have known her for a short period, but long enough to figure out she wants to be loved, but she doesn’t want to be hurt.
She wants to succeed but she fears failure.
She must realize that without one there is no possibility of the other. Mistakes are enevitable, no matter how large or small. She must realize that she cannot be perfect, she can only be real.
She inspires me.
Underneath the shield and wall she has built for herself, there is a humble woman full of grace and poise.
I want to tap into the deepest, darkest parts of her mind and set her free. I admire every inch of her being.

The only peace I’ve ever known is helping others

(I apologize in advance for the direction of this entry being all over the place. My emotions and mind are all over the place today)

Despite what I’ve told myself, despite this wall I’ve built, I’m scared. I’ve spent a great deal of my life in fear. Youd think after overcoming turmoil and hardships your whole life it would make you somewhat “fearless” right? Inside this steel exterior I am a scared 12 year old little girl. Not to say that I am not a strong bad ass individual, bc oh yes I am that indeed. But lets be real, lets be really fuckin real here, because these days theres nothing to hide. I’ve lost everything, I’ve got nothing else to lose.

All I want to do is be real, tell my story, let that wall down and be vulnereable in hopes to use my mistakes to lead someone on the right path.
The only peace I’ve ever known is helping others and thats 100% truth.

I’ve never felt like I belonged anywhere. Im not good at much (except messing things up I’m really good at that) The only thing I am good at is feeling, even though I don’t always embrace those feelings (as much as I pretend to be an emotionless dark creature from the unknown) I have zero special talents. Not much family and a handful of real friends. I’ve made poor choices and have fucked up enough times to last me a lifetime.
I’ve spent the better part of my life not knowing who I was, or where I want to go. I’ve just always known who I don’t want to be and where I don’t want to go.

Have you ever felt something so strong, and you knew it in your heart, you knew what you had to do, but you couldn’t find the strength to do so? My battle has been a tough one. Stripped of all confidence, completely mentally drained, with the weight of failure on my shoulders every day.
What the fuck have I been doing? What the fuck have I been so scared of? Once youve been to hell, you’ve felt it and know it exists, the fear should subside.

Sometimes you need a push, just alitte something to know someone believes in you, backs you, wants you to succeed. Gain some confidence. I’m only human afterall.

Now I know what I have to do. I’m scared, I’m terrified to say the least, but ain’t nobody gonna walk this walk for me.
Time to lace up the boots.

My combat boots, guys