The only peace I’ve ever known is helping others

(I apologize in advance for the direction of this entry being all over the place. My emotions and mind are all over the place today)

Despite what I’ve told myself, despite this wall I’ve built, I’m scared. I’ve spent a great deal of my life in fear. Youd think after overcoming turmoil and hardships your whole life it would make you somewhat “fearless” right? Inside this steel exterior I am a scared 12 year old little girl. Not to say that I am not a strong bad ass individual, bc oh yes I am that indeed. But lets be real, lets be really fuckin real here, because these days theres nothing to hide. I’ve lost everything, I’ve got nothing else to lose.

All I want to do is be real, tell my story, let that wall down and be vulnereable in hopes to use my mistakes to lead someone on the right path.
The only peace I’ve ever known is helping others and thats 100% truth.

I’ve never felt like I belonged anywhere. Im not good at much (except messing things up I’m really good at that) The only thing I am good at is feeling, even though I don’t always embrace those feelings (as much as I pretend to be an emotionless dark creature from the unknown) I have zero special talents. Not much family and a handful of real friends. I’ve made poor choices and have fucked up enough times to last me a lifetime.
I’ve spent the better part of my life not knowing who I was, or where I want to go. I’ve just always known who I don’t want to be and where I don’t want to go.

Have you ever felt something so strong, and you knew it in your heart, you knew what you had to do, but you couldn’t find the strength to do so? My battle has been a tough one. Stripped of all confidence, completely mentally drained, with the weight of failure on my shoulders every day.
What the fuck have I been doing? What the fuck have I been so scared of? Once youve been to hell, you’ve felt it and know it exists, the fear should subside.

Sometimes you need a push, just alitte something to know someone believes in you, backs you, wants you to succeed. Gain some confidence. I’m only human afterall.

Now I know what I have to do. I’m scared, I’m terrified to say the least, but ain’t nobody gonna walk this walk for me.
Time to lace up the boots.

My combat boots, guys

Here I find you inbetween, heaven and hell my dear

Tortured soul. The weak who are strong. The beaten and the damned.
Why am I drawn towards you when I know how this has to be? So tempted to touch the flame.
You are me and I am you.
How do you have me smiling when I’m still so sad?
I’ve seen you somewhere before, in another life, at another time.
But things then were just as they are now. You were not mine to hold, to say goodnight to, to wake up to.
My shoulders are getting heavy again, my brain is shutting down but the grin on my face remains.

If for one second I could make your day brighter, make your load little lighter, then I think I guess the universe has done its job.

Past tense

Every morning brings a new day and every night I get alittle more sleep. I’m starting to realize, to uncover, now that you are gone. Your ways are cowardly and your deep need for admiration makes my stomach roll. Your back bone has deteriated and soft skin is all that you are. What makes a person is their integrity, their heart and their will. Where did yours go? Your pedastal has collapsed and my heart has combust. My chest no longer hurts as I can breathe.

 

 

This desert will break you

I’ve been thinking alot lately about why it seems humans are never able to attain happiness. I myself find myself always wanting more. Here are some random, sporatic thoughts on the subject.

Let’s go way back to when I was a kid. Little Zahra running around with no shoes, scrapes all over her legs, popsicle all over her face and worm guts all over her fingers. Things seemed so simple as a kid. Your mind is in its purest state. Your decisions are based on what you feel in your heart. Not corrupted by material goods or american idealism. Before reality television, social icons, iPads, selfies, love, lust, contour pallets, social media. As the years pass life seems to get complicated. You start to prioritize differently.

Now as an adult having been through a hell of alot of life, knowing the unimportance of material things and the importance of experiences, I still find myself unhappy often.  Maybe I have reason to be, maybe the weight of failure weighs on me, always wondering what could have been.

 

But why is it we are incapable of being satisfied with our life? and no it’s not necessarily a bad thing.

You hope to get that dream job and when you do you start looking for a raise. Youd kill for someones attention and when you get it you look elsewhere, why is that? Humans are always in a state of change and what we often forget is to live in the present. It’s not about wanting more, but about being present in the moment were in, and the people we’ve become.

I mean, I think its admirable to set goals and always strive for better but the problem is not taking the time to appreciate what we do have in that moment. The important things in life.  I truly think what it all comes down to is balance and state of mind.  Oprah once said, “I got so focused on the difficulty of the climb that I lost sight of being grateful for simply having a mountain to climb.” I try to remember that.

What makes you happy? obviously lots of things but name off a few in your head. For me, being generous brings me contentment and fulfillment. Making other people happy whether someone I care about or just stranger in need, thats something that genuinely makes me happy and brings me joy. If I could help one soul a day I would go to sleep feeloing accomplished.

The reality is we spend too much time focused on what others have and what theyre doing. Comparing others lives to our own. Letting low self esteem and insecurities get the best of us. Is the secret just learning to be content with never being content? Being comfortable with discomfort?

Really something to think about.

A breath of fresh air in a world full of smoke.

Have you ever met someone and just knew that the person was meant to come into your life? Like, somehow at some point in some way it was bound to happen? You and that person were just cut from the same cloth. From first introduction there was just familiarly and comfort that only increased. Like kindred spirits or best friends/mates/lovers/family from a past life? Someone who you aren’t afraid to be yourself with. Someone you can stay up at all hours of the night laughing at nothing. Someone you’re so in tune with that you know what each other are thinking without even saying? Someone you connect with so intensely that you can feel them even when they’re 10,000 miles away? Someone who gets you and understands. Someone who is other worldly. Who motivates and inspires you without even knowing it. Someone who doesn’t make you question who you are, who isn’t judgmental and accepts you for you all while pushing you to be better. Someone who meets you in the middle. Someone who’s kiss is like a live wire during a thunderstorm. Their smile makes you forget all that is wrong in the world. Someone whos voice feels like home. Someone who makes you wanna brave the storm. Someone that when you’re together you catch yourself stopping and thinking in your head how lucky you are, and when you part ways you find an ache in the pit of your stomach. Someone who makes you wanna scream your feelings at the top of your lungs but you don’t need to because it’s so real and genuine. Something or someone who is so extraterrestrial it makes you question everything. Something so good you’re not even afraid to lose it, because it’s that right. Someone you aren’t afraid to let get to the core. Someone who intrigues you more and more with every unveil. Someone who makes your heart skip a beat when you didn’t even know you had one. Something that isn’t forced or in genuine but is pure, natural and organic.

Someone who just makes you happy?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

100

Yo, I’ve sat at a table and had to order the cheapest thing on the menu and I’ve sat at a different table and been able to order whatever I wanted without a care. One thing I know is that shit doesn’t matter, it’s the company that does.